‘In the darkness of this sleepy island town, the beam of a deputy’s flashlight caught the back of a lanky teenager wanted in a notorious 18-month burglary spree.
The teen glanced over his shoulder - and vanished into the woods. “He virtually vaporized in front of me,” deputy Jeff Patterson recalled.
Such encounters have become all too common on the bucolic islands north of Seattle as police hunt for an elusive thief whose crime spree is quickly becoming a local legend. Colton Harris-Moore is suspected in about 50 burglary cases since he slipped away from a halfway house in April 2008.
Now, authorities say, he may have moved on to a more dangerous hobby: stealing airplanes. [..]
“I hope to h*** he stole those airplanes - I would be so proud,” Pam Kohler told a reporter, noting her son’s lack of training. “But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time.”‘
‘A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel’s fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. [..]
The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel’s fire sprinklers and that she “needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them,” cops reported. “Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm.” Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel’s windows, carpets and electrical system.’
‘Every scientist dreams of a world without ethics. Whenever a scientist sees a set of twins, he or she secretly wonders what would happen if you surgically swapped their faces. They already have a chamber set up to harness the power of their screams as they gradually realize what has happened. Every day, ethics barely prevent experiments like this from being carried out.
But what if we didn’t have these ethics? When Nazi doctors were let loose during WWII, the incredible rate of their discoveries were matched only by the inadequacy of words to atone for them. They might have been monsters, but without them, we never would have discovered the yield elasticity of the elderly, or learned what part of a prisoner’s tongue detects the taste of angel meat.
The Sims 3 is computer game based on these Nazi scientists that offers us a world of moral ambiguity, free to perform psychological experiments away from the leering eye of ethics. Which is exactly what I did. Here are the results of my findings.’
‘In a satirical jibe at stringent censorship imposed by Fiji’s military Government, the Daily Post newspaper has been filling the space with some no news.
Headlines in Wednesday’s edition included “Man gets on bus” over an item reading: “In what is believed to be the first reported incident of its kind, a man got on a bus yesterday. ‘It was easy,’ he said. ‘I just lifted one leg up and then the other and I was on.’ ”
Another headed “Breakfast as usual” began: “It was breakfast as usual for the staff of this newspaper. ‘I had leftover roti from last night,’ senior reporter Manueli told his colleague yesterday morning.”
A third story began, “Paint has apparently dried on his old couch, Max reports. Given the job of painting the couch, Max was excited at the prospect of the paint drying. But when asked how it dried, he was nonplussed.’
‘NASA’s online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Comedian Stephen Colbert won.
The name “Colbert” beat out NASA’s four suggested options in the space agency’s effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.
NASA’s mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, “The Colbert Report” to write in his name. And they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday.
NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters “the most consideration.”‘
And did you see the connection in the eyes?
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‘I entered your fine eatery alone today. You greeted me with a great big smile and I was smitten immediately. You are gorgeous and exactly my type, down to the perfume you so delicately shared with me as you passed by. I’m really a normal guy and I’d like to explain myself. Perhaps we can put today’s unfortunate events aside and start over in a few weeks, should I be lucky enough you read this.
Men are pigs. This is a simple fact of life. I’ll be the first to admit it. That said, I was admiring you work for a while and was becoming more and more attracted to you. The more I watched, not all stalker like mind you, the more I was sure you were in fact as beautiful as I had first observed. When you came back to my table and offered to top off my coffee, I was so focused on being close to you, so enamored, I failed to recognize what was going on in my pants. I could not be more sorry.
What I FELT was something foreign moving in my pants. What was ACTUALLY happening was, I was getting an erection. My first gut reaction was to immediately, without hesitation, rain death down upon this uninvited intruder. Kill it before it killed me. [..]’
‘t is a dream that has been shared by lovers across the centuries – the chance to elope to exotic lands. But few would have been as bold and spontaneous as six-year-old Mika and his five-year-old sweetheart Anna-Bell who, after mulling over their options in secret, packed their suitcases on New Year’s Eve and set off from the German city of Hanover to tie the knot under the heat of the African sun.
The children left their homes at dawn while their unwitting parents were apparently sleeping, and took along Mika’s seven-year-old sister, Anna-Lena, as a witness to the wedding.
Donning sunglasses, swimming armbands and dragging a pink blow-up lilo and suitcases on wheels packed with summer clothes, cuddly toys and a few provisions, they walked a kilometre up the road, boarded a tram to Hanover train station and got as far as the express train that would take them to the airport before a suspicious station guard alerted police.’
‘Hindus, or Buddhists, as they prefer to be called, ride around on cow’s backs all day.
They think they’re so great.
Hindus were out at the pub last night. They were wasted. They stayed really late. I mean, I left at about half one, and the Hindus we’re still going strong. They all called in sick today. Big surprise.’
There are a few stories of Thomas Edison’s adventures. Science was extremely dodgy in the past. 
For example:
“I had read in a scientific paper the method of making nitroglycerine, and was so fired by the wonderful properties it was said to possess, that I determined to make some of the compound. We tested what we considered a very small quantity, but this produced such terrible and unexpected results that we became alarmed, the fact dawning upon us that we had a very large white elephant in our possession. At 6 A.M. I put the explosive into a sarsaparilla bottle, tied a string to it, wrapped it in a paper, and gently let it down into the sewer, corner of State and Washington Streets.”
‘Facecunt is an anti-social utility that connects you with cunts around you.
Any cunt Can Join’
Itsy bitsy spider went up the spout.. Down came the rain and washed him out.
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‘A manhunt is under way in western Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail.
The 42-year-old Turkish citizen - who was serving a seven-year sentence - had been making stationery with other prisoners destined for the shops.
At the end of his shift, the inmate climbed into a cardboard box and was taken out of prison by express courier. His whereabouts are still unknown.
The chief warden of the jail told the BBC this was an embarrassing incident.’
‘The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.’
‘German traffic police have been left looking like proper muppets by a British prankster.
An Audi TT with British registration plates has been repeatedly caught speeding on roads in the Bavarian city of Bayreuth.
But because continental speed cameras are set up for left-hand drive vehicles, the cameras keep missing the driver’s face.
Instead, they keep capturing clear views of a manic Muppet-like toy which the cheeky Brit has propped up on his passenger seat.
But police admit they are even baffled about the identity of the muppet.’
‘Hello ladies of the internet!
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I’ve come to realise exactly what I’m looking for in my ideal woman.
Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the ‘even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).’
‘HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS TO BE FUCKING CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER’S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT’LL GROW 3 INCHES. SON OF A SHIT!’
I’ve gotta move to Japan and get myself a monkey.
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‘British authorities say a vicar stands accused of allegedly sending herself a dead hedgehog and dog feces to prove herself a crime victim.
The Rev. Janet Magee, 62, a Methodist minister, also claimed she was the victim of threatening phone calls and hate mail, which police determined she allegedly made and sent herself, the Daily Mail reported Monday.
Police reached their conclusions after secretly installing a closed circuit television camera in her home, the Mail reported, noting Magee is in on trial in Grimsby Crown Court for making false claims to police.
Magee, who allegedly tried to portray the hedgehog, dog feces, phone calls and hate mail as the work of people in her church, has been suspended as minister in charge of seven parishes on the Brigg and Barton-upon-Humbler Methodist Circuit, the Mail reported, noting Magee has pleaded innocent.’
‘This happened in 1985 when I was about 12 years old. I apologize for the length.
I had just got done with a little league baseball game and was heading home. My parents were driving myself and a couple of friends home, when they decided to pull into the local White Castle and feed us all. Went through the drive thru, got our food, and decided to park in the parking lot to sit and eat.
I finished my meal (I think it was 3 double cheeseburgers, or sliders as most know them by), when my stomach started to rumble really, really bad. God I had to use the restroom. Anyone who has ever had white castles knows what I’m talking about I’m sure. I told everyone I would be back and ran inside to use the bathroom. ‘
‘Families thought they were witnessing a miracle when wine flowed from their taps during a grape festival.
But it wasn’t down to divine intervention – just very bad plumbing.
Sparkling, chilled white wine should have been flowing into a marble fountain in the town square during the annual Marino grape festival on Sunday.
Instead it gushed out of kitchen taps in dozens of homes, to the delight of residents in the Italian hilltop town. The mayor, Adriano Palozzi, a priest and locals had all gathered round the fountain to give a prayer of thanks to the Virgin Mary. Everyone had a plastic beaker at the ready to drink a free glass or two of Marino DOC.
But they were left disappointed as, instead of fresh wine, out poured the usual water.’
‘HE HASN’T bothered the charts in 20 years, so you might call ’80s pop star Rick Astley a surprise inclusion on the list of nominees for MTV Europe’s Best Act Ever to be announced next month.
Astley, the baby-faced crooner who sang the cheesy 1987 hit Never Gonna Give You Up, is up against U2, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Green Day and Tokio Hotel.
At last count, Astley had an astonishing 99.98% of the 20 million votes cast on MTV’s online poll — but the washed-up warbler’s nomination is no bizarre error: MTV has simply been “Rickrolled”.
Astley’s sudden popularity is the result of an internet prank campaign that began as a geeky joke 18 months ago and has grown into a web craze of monster proportions. To be “Rickrolled” is to be unwittingly redirected to a video clip of Never Gonna Give You Up — a prank that has no apparent point other than to illicit a giggle from the unsuspecting viewer.’
‘One man has attacked a police officer with a dildo at the Bathurst 1000 motor racing event while another man has been caught wheeling around a television set showing porn.
And both have been thrown out of the the major annual racing event, police say.
A 22-year-old Moss Vale man was arrested shortly after 10pm (AEDT) yesterday after launching himself at a male police officer sitting inside a police car, hitting him on the head with a sex toy.
The officer was not hurt, but the man has been charged with assaulting police.’
We’re a classy bunch of people.
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