Posts tagged as: funny

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

 

Police issue paedophile warning over ‘Pedobear’ internet joke

‘Police in the US have issued a bizarre warning to parents about a ‘paedophile’ cartoon bear that was created by a website as in internet joke. [..]

Now police in San Luis Obispo in California appear to have misunderstood the internet trend – or meme – and have warned parents that the Pedobear is being used by real paedophiles as a ‘mascot’.

In a po-faced newsletter that has made them the laughing stock of the internet, the Sheriff’s department has warned parents that some paedophiles are even dressing as the bear to signal their intentions.

The handout describes the bear’s ‘licentious love of little girls’ and warns that the character may be ‘lurking’ at family-friendly events. [..]

After being contacted by website Gawker, the San Luis Obispo police department has claimed that it has always known that Pedobear is just a joke but wanted to warn parents anyway.’


Thursday, July 8, 2010

 

Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters

‘Olympic bronze medalist Walter Dix edged out Tyson Gay in the former world champion’s hotly-anticipated return to the 200 meters at the Prefontaine Classic Diamond League meeting on Saturday. [..]

Gay, who has been battling a nagging hamstring problem for seven weeks, ran his first 200 of the year in 19.76 seconds to finish just shy of Dix, who took control coming off the bend and stayed in front to win in 19.72.

“It wasn’t bad, but I was a little fatigued toward the end,” Gay said. “I tried to stay relaxed and bring it home, but it wasn’t enough.”‘


Monday, January 18, 2010

 

Police reprimanded for shield sledding

‘Police in England said a group of officers caught on camera using a riot shield as a sled on a snow slope were reprimanded by a superior.

Superintendent Andrew Murray, Oxford City commander with Thames Valley Police, said a bystander captured video of a group of officers arriving at the slope and encouraging a colleague to sled down the hill while clinging to the straps for steering, the Daily mail reported Thursday.

The video was later uploaded to YouTube.

“The snow has a habit of bringing out the child in all of us,” Murray said. “I have spoken to the officers concerned and reminded them in no uncertain terms that tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea should they wish to progress under my command.”‘


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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

 

3 Boys Detained for Calif. ‘Ginger Day’ Attacks

‘Three boys were booked on suspicion of bullying or kicking red-haired students at a middle school when a ”Kick a Ginger Day” prank inspired by a ”South Park” episode got out of hand, authorities said Monday.

A 13-year-old boy was detained last week for investigation of threatening to inflict injury by means of electronic communication — essentially, cyberbullying. Two 12-year-olds were booked for battery on school property, Los Angeles County sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said. [..]

Four girls and three boys reported that schoolmates shoved or kicked them on Nov. 20 at A.E. Wright Middle School in Calabasas, an affluent suburb of Los Angeles.

No serious injuries were reported. Most incidents involved a single person kicking a student’s shoe or leg, but one youngster was bruised when three or four boys confronted him at once, said Donald Zimring, superintendent of the Las Virgenes Unified School District.

He may have been kicked in the groin or head while on the ground, although accounts differ, Zimring said.’


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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

 

Look At Hy Horse

Mmm, sweet lemonade.

(16meg Flash video)

see it here »


Thursday, October 8, 2009

 

Teen burglar’s mom: ‘I hope he stole those planes’

‘In the darkness of this sleepy island town, the beam of a deputy’s flashlight caught the back of a lanky teenager wanted in a notorious 18-month burglary spree.

The teen glanced over his shoulder – and vanished into the woods. “He virtually vaporized in front of me,” deputy Jeff Patterson recalled.

Such encounters have become all too common on the bucolic islands north of Seattle as police hunt for an elusive thief whose crime spree is quickly becoming a local legend. Colton Harris-Moore is suspected in about 50 burglary cases since he slipped away from a halfway house in April 2008.

Now, authorities say, he may have moved on to a more dangerous hobby: stealing airplanes. [..]

“I hope to h*** he stole those airplanes – I would be so proud,” Pam Kohler told a reporter, noting her son’s lack of training. “But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time.”‘


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Sunday, July 12, 2009

 

Scary Horse

(1.3meg Flash video)

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

 

20 Ton Air Conditioner

(1.1meg Flash video)

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

 

Now…Go Break The Windows

‘A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel’s fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. [..]

The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel’s fire sprinklers and that she “needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them,” cops reported. “Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm.” Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel’s windows, carpets and electrical system.’


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Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3

‘Every scientist dreams of a world without ethics. Whenever a scientist sees a set of twins, he or she secretly wonders what would happen if you surgically swapped their faces. They already have a chamber set up to harness the power of their screams as they gradually realize what has happened. Every day, ethics barely prevent experiments like this from being carried out.

But what if we didn’t have these ethics? When Nazi doctors were let loose during WWII, the incredible rate of their discoveries were matched only by the inadequacy of words to atone for them. They might have been monsters, but without them, we never would have discovered the yield elasticity of the elderly, or learned what part of a prisoner’s tongue detects the taste of angel meat.

The Sims 3 is computer game based on these Nazi scientists that offers us a world of moral ambiguity, free to perform psychological experiments away from the leering eye of ethics. Which is exactly what I did. Here are the results of my findings.’


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Sunday, June 14, 2009

 

Crazy Man Gets Tazered By Police, Makes Escape

(6.6meg Flash video)

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

 

Read all about it: man gets on bus

‘In a satirical jibe at stringent censorship imposed by Fiji’s military Government, the Daily Post newspaper has been filling the space with some no news.

Headlines in Wednesday’s edition included “Man gets on bus” over an item reading: “In what is believed to be the first reported incident of its kind, a man got on a bus yesterday. ‘It was easy,’ he said. ‘I just lifted one leg up and then the other and I was on.’ ”

Another headed “Breakfast as usual” began: “It was breakfast as usual for the staff of this newspaper. ‘I had leftover roti from last night,’ senior reporter Manueli told his colleague yesterday morning.”

A third story began, “Paint has apparently dried on his old couch, Max reports. Given the job of painting the couch, Max was excited at the prospect of the paint drying. But when asked how it dried, he was nonplussed.’


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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

 

Colbert wins NASA space station name contest

‘NASA’s online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Comedian Stephen Colbert won.

The name “Colbert” beat out NASA’s four suggested options in the space agency’s effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.

NASA’s mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, “The Colbert Report” to write in his name. And they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday.

NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters “the most consideration.”‘


Sunday, February 15, 2009

 

And by record I mean..

And did you see the connection in the eyes?

(1.7meg Flash video)

see it here »


Monday, January 26, 2009

 

An explanation to the unfortunate waitress who had my table.

‘I entered your fine eatery alone today. You greeted me with a great big smile and I was smitten immediately. You are gorgeous and exactly my type, down to the perfume you so delicately shared with me as you passed by. I’m really a normal guy and I’d like to explain myself. Perhaps we can put today’s unfortunate events aside and start over in a few weeks, should I be lucky enough you read this.

Men are pigs. This is a simple fact of life. I’ll be the first to admit it. That said, I was admiring you work for a while and was becoming more and more attracted to you. The more I watched, not all stalker like mind you, the more I was sure you were in fact as beautiful as I had first observed. When you came back to my table and offered to top off my coffee, I was so focused on being close to you, so enamored, I failed to recognize what was going on in my pants. I could not be more sorry.

What I FELT was something foreign moving in my pants. What was ACTUALLY happening was, I was getting an erection. My first gut reaction was to immediately, without hesitation, rain death down upon this uninvited intruder. Kill it before it killed me. [..]‘


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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

 

German lovers – aged six and five – try to elope to Africa

‘t is a dream that has been shared by lovers across the centuries – the chance to elope to exotic lands. But few would have been as bold and spontaneous as six-year-old Mika and his five-year-old sweetheart Anna-Bell who, after mulling over their options in secret, packed their suitcases on New Year’s Eve and set off from the German city of Hanover to tie the knot under the heat of the African sun.

The children left their homes at dawn while their unwitting parents were apparently sleeping, and took along Mika’s seven-year-old sister, Anna-Lena, as a witness to the wedding.

Donning sunglasses, swimming armbands and dragging a pink blow-up lilo and suitcases on wheels packed with summer clothes, cuddly toys and a few provisions, they walked a kilometre up the road, boarded a tram to Hanover train station and got as far as the express train that would take them to the airport before a suspicious station guard alerted police.’


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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

 

Religion, which is the one for you?

‘Hindus, or Buddhists, as they prefer to be called, ride around on cow’s backs all day.

They think they’re so great.

Hindus were out at the pub last night. They were wasted. They stayed really late. I mean, I left at about half one, and the Hindus we’re still going strong. They all called in sick today. Big surprise.’


Jizz In My Pants

(6.0meg Flash video)

see it here »


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Saturday, December 6, 2008

 

Everyday Normal Guy

(13.3meg Flash video)

see it here »


Sunday, November 23, 2008

 

Edison – The Menlo Park Drugs Baron

There are a few stories of Thomas Edison’s adventures. Science was extremely dodgy in the past. :) For example:

“I had read in a scientific paper the method of making nitroglycerine, and was so fired by the wonderful properties it was said to possess, that I determined to make some of the compound. We tested what we considered a very small quantity, but this produced such terrible and unexpected results that we became alarmed, the fact dawning upon us that we had a very large white elephant in our possession. At 6 A.M. I put the explosive into a sarsaparilla bottle, tied a string to it, wrapped it in a paper, and gently let it down into the sewer, corner of State and Washington Streets.”


Welcome to Facecunt!

‘Facecunt is an anti-social utility that connects you with cunts around you.

Any cunt Can Join’


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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

 

Cameraman Goes On Strike, Live

Doug!

(2.2meg Flash video)

see it here »


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Kids’ Rock

Itsy bitsy spider went up the spout.. Down came the rain and washed him out.

(5.2meg Flash video)

see it here »


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Monday, November 17, 2008

 

Beached As

Want a chip bro?

(3.6meg Flash video)

see it here »


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Inmate escapes German jail in box

‘A manhunt is under way in western Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail.

The 42-year-old Turkish citizen – who was serving a seven-year sentence – had been making stationery with other prisoners destined for the shops.

At the end of his shift, the inmate climbed into a cardboard box and was taken out of prison by express courier. His whereabouts are still unknown.

The chief warden of the jail told the BBC this was an embarrassing incident.’


Saturday, November 1, 2008

 

Vicar went to hospital with potato stuck in bottom

‘The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.’


Speeding? You must take me for some sort of Muppet!

‘German traffic police have been left looking like proper muppets by a British prankster.

An Audi TT with British registration plates has been repeatedly caught speeding on roads in the Bavarian city of Bayreuth.

But because continental speed cameras are set up for left-hand drive vehicles, the cameras keep missing the driver’s face.

Instead, they keep capturing clear views of a manic Muppet-like toy which the cheeky Brit has propped up on his passenger seat.

But police admit they are even baffled about the identity of the muppet.’


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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

 

INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)

‘Hello ladies of the internet!

I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I’ve come to realise exactly what I’m looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the ‘even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).’


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Sunday, October 26, 2008

 

Billy Mays Can’t Read

‘HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS TO BE FUCKING CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER’S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT’LL GROW 3 INCHES. SON OF A SHIT!’


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

 

Chimp learns to be a firefighter

I’ve gotta move to Japan and get myself a monkey.

(20.4meg Flash video)

see it here »


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