‘Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that. [..]
Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead. [..]
If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that. [..]
Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.’