moonbuggy

Followup to: DMV Drivers License Prank

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`Server Downtime

We are constantly working to improve our server downtime. Keeping you awake at night is our #1 priority.

Clusters and Scalability

If your websites go down we’ll make sure to confuse you with technical terms and instructions. It’s our job to keep you aggravated, and we never disappoint.’

‘School official’s shut down Saint Peter’s Prep High School in Jersey City days before the originally scheduled holiday break, because of a herpes outbreak.

CBS 2 has learned that five members of the high school’s wrestling team were diagnosed with herpes simplex virus type I — a form of herpes that is transmitted when skin comes into contact with open lesions. [..]

School officials decided to close down the entire all-boys private school over the weekend, shutting it down Monday afternoon. [..]

Workers spent yesterday disinfecting all the areas of the school used by the wrestling team, including lockers, showers, and the practice room, officials said.’

Revi persees: Rip your ass open
Haista vittu: Fuck you (lit. Smell the cunt)
Pyöriä kuin puolukka pillussa: Roll like cowberry in a pussy
Kolmannen asteen turbomuna: Turbodick of a third degree
Nännipihan talonmies: Nippleyard’s janitor
Heitä homo voltti!: Screw you, faggot! (lit. do a somersault, fag)
Katiska: Fish trap (Used to describe an ugly person)
Revin perseesi irti ja syötän sen sinulle: I’ll rip your ass off and feed it to you.
Voi, Vitunlihakeitto!: Oh, soup-made-out-of-the-flesh-of-cunt!
Paras osa sinusta valui lihavan äitisi sisäreittä pitkin: The best part of you ran down your fat mother’s inner thigh

Poor little kid think he’s going to die. He’ll probably be alright. :)

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This is a slightly amusing way to land.

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‘The FruitCake Lady passed away but Jay remembers her with a special look back at all of her funny appearances on the Tonight Show’

(6.3meg Flash video)

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It’s like pinball. :)

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`Victoria Beckham is reportedly set to star in Tom Cruise’s new Scientology film.

The ex-Spice Girl has apparently been lined up to play an alien bride in The Thetan – based on the religion, which believes in alien life forms. [..]

The 32-year-old – who made her first attempt at acting in the 1997 Spice Girls movie Spice World – will play the bride of an alien leader called a thetan, which Scientologists claim is an immortal spiritual being, present in all humans.

Cruise – who is bankrolling the project himself after it was rejected by all the major film studios – is said to have picked Victoria for the role after being impressed by her “comic genius”.’

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`For years, activists in the marijuana legalization movement have claimed that cannabis is America’s biggest cash crop. Now they’re citing government statistics to prove it.

A report released today by a marijuana public policy analyst contends that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion — far more than the crop value of such heartland staples as corn, soybeans and hay, which are the top three legal cash crops.

California is responsible for more than a third of the cannabis harvest, with an estimated production of $13.8 billion that exceeds the value of the state’s grapes, vegetables and hay combined — and marijuana is the top cash crop in a dozen states, the report states.’

This isn’t too bad. :)

(3.0meg Flash video)

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‘Addington paints a very clear picture of this very intimate art in direct and often gritty terms; it is a graphic work about a graphic (and possibly intimidating) practice. Some of her favorite nouns and verbs are a little edgy; if four letter words describing sexual acts offend you, you might want to bypass this one.

On the other hand, (pardon the pun) “A Hand in the Bush” is an excellent guide to the ins and outs of vaginal fisting. Topics covered include safety, communications, troubleshooting, and lots of good common sense. The FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) covers the topic well, with sections on safety, what’s involved, injuries and how to avoid them, who are likely candidates, and what to avoid (for instance: force, lack of consent, and hangnails, to mention only a few.)’

This is a pretty funny prank. These people are really freaked out. It might be a little bit mean. :)

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`After 20 years of trial and error, scientists at Wolong boast they can now breed pandas at will. To counter the suggestion that the captive animals may be too naive about the birds and the bears, the keepers have provided sex education in the form of wildlife videos – dubbed “panda porn” – showing the animals mating in the forests.

To boost sex drive, they once tried the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. “We’ll never do that again,” Mr Zhang says. “The panda was excited for 24 hours.”

Another challenge was the risk of in-breeding. To widen the genetic stock, researchers had to come up with a way to find a mate for even the least popular females. How did they do that? “We tricked them,” Mr Zhang says with a smile. [..]

“When the males find out, they get very angry and start fighting the female,” Mr Zhang says. “We have had to use firecrackers and a water hose to separate them.”‘

This guy is even worse than the pickle woman. He runs like a motherfucker at the merest sight of a peach.

(6.9meg Windows media)

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`The Tigers are satisfied they won’t see a recurrence of the right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined Joel Zumaya for three games of the American League Championship Series.

Why? Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya’s injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion. [..]

Zumaya, 22, was known to play “Guitar Hero,” a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.’

`A fence-building company in Southern California agrees to pay nearly $5 million in fines for hiring illegal immigrants. Two executives from the company may also serve jail time. The Golden State Fence Company’s work includes some of the border fence between San Diego and Mexico.

After an immigration check in 1999 found undocumented workers on its payroll, Golden State promised to clean house. But when followup checks were made in 2004 and 2005, some of those same illegal workers were still on the job. In fact, U-S Attorney Carol Lam says as many as a third of the company’s 750 workers may have been in the country illegally.’

`If you’ve ever had a great idea for a sexual aid, or wondered where new sex toys come from, you should check out some of the patents on file with the United States Patent Office. Here we’ve collected some of the best. With many of these items, you can discern their roots in household items and basement workshops and see the DIY ethic in action. Let them be an inspiration to us all!’

`It’s that time of year again. Students have taken their finals, and now it is time to grade them. It is something professors have been looking forward to all semester. Exactness in grading is a well-honed skill, taking considerable expertise and years of practice to master. The purpose of this post is to serve as a guide to young professors about how to perfect their grading skills and as a way for students to learn the mysterious science of how their grades are determined. [..]

The key to this method is a good toss. [..]’

`In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil [..]’

Armageddon!

(570kb mp3)

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‘A film review on Wednesday about “Little Miss Sunshine” referred incorrectly to contestants in the fictional children’s beauty pageant of the title. The critic intended to compare the contestants to underage prostitutes, not to “underage fleshpots.”‘

‘A headline on Page One on Saturday should have made clear that Oregon Health & Science University will be studying the effects of meth, not cooking it.’

Last year’s winner is funny too:

‘The Denver Daily News would like to offer a sincere apology for a typo in Wednesday’s Town Talk regarding New Jersey’s proposal to ban smoking in automobiles. It was not the author’s intention to call New Jersey ‘Jew Jersey.”

‘These guys dress up in a couple ridiculous outfits and go get their drivers license photo taken at the DMV. Will they get away with it?’

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`A German woman is suing a foster agency, after her teenage foster son ruined valuable naked photos of her – by comitting an act of self-love all over them.

Marietta Anton, 50, who now lives in Portugal’s Algarve, was 25 when she was photographed naked by her boyfriend at the time, Sigmar Polke. After they split Polke went on to become a world famous artist, and the old pictures were valued at over £35,000.

But when Anton’s 15-year-old foster son Mehmet found the old snaps, he thought he had unearthed a secret porn stack, and proceeded to do what teenage boys will do.

In news that seem likely to keep local psychiatrists busy for a while, he did not realise who the model was whilst enjoying himself with the pictures.’

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‘A surge in Christmas tree poaching has forced growers and property owners to take action. Smelly, discolored trees are less likely to be cut and dragged off by thieves, they say.

At the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, for example, evergreens are sprayed with a fox urine mixture and tagged with a warning to discourage tree thieves.

“It is a strong odour, and it smells just like what it is,” said Kirby Baird, a landscape manager at the school.

When the tree is out in the cold, the smell isn’t noticeable, Mr. Baird said. But once the tree is inside and starts to warm up…

“It’s nasty,” he said.’

`A naked man arrested for indecent exposure in California was held at gunpoint – on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon.

At this point, you might be wondering exactly where a naked man might conceal a weapon. We can confirm that the most wince-inducing possibility you’re thinking of is the correct one.

He had a screwdriver hidden in his anus. [..]

Understandably, the police were a unsure what to do about this situation. So naturally, they called the fire brigade.’

`35. Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean

33. Napoleon’s Bonaparte is a collector’s item

27. Led Zeppelin violated a groupie with a fish

26. Courteney Cox bleaches her . . .

18. Jennifer Lopez insured her ass

10. Catherine the Great died while having sex with a horse

3. Nancy Reagan was a blowjob queen’

`Pranksters drew a willy on the roof of a top school that was so large it could be spotted from space. But it went unnoticed until it was seen on Google Earth.

A group of ex-pupils was last night blamed for the rude shape — snapped by satellite.

One former pupil of £2,906-a-term independent Yarm School at Stockton on Tees, Teesside, said: “A couple of ex-students hopped over the school fence on a weekend and went unnoticed by guards.

They managed to get on the roof of the Friary building and somehow mark on the willy. They also burnt a manhood into the grass.”’