Posts tagged as: jesus

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Friday, March 3, 2006

 

Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

`People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: “What are you waiting for?”

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.’


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Friday, February 10, 2006

 

Jesus PanCake

`I made a Pancake and it has the image of Jesus on it!!!

See for yourself!’

One bid for $500 so far.


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Monday, January 30, 2006

 

Lord Mart

`What Would Jesus Buy?’


Monday, January 9, 2006

 

Jesus ‘healed using cannabis’

`Jesus was almost certainly a cannabis user and an early proponent of the medicinal properties of the drug, according to a study of scriptural texts published this month. The study suggests that Jesus and his disciples used the drug to carry out miraculous healings.

The anointing oil used by Jesus and his disciples contained an ingredient called kaneh-bosem which has since been identified as cannabis extract, according to an article by Chris Bennett in the drugs magazine, High Times, entitled Was Jesus a Stoner? The incense used by Jesus in ceremonies also contained a cannabis extract, suggests Mr Bennett, who quotes scholars to back his claims.’


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Saturday, December 31, 2005

 

Bizarre incident results in 6 charges

`A Central Dauphin School District teacher faces charges of assaulting a Lower Paxton Twp. police officer and possession of illegal drugs after being arrested earlier this month while standing naked in the snow outside of his home, police said. [..]

According to court papers, when Lofton was asked if he was okay, he responded, “No, I am … crazy, and I need a menthol cigarette.”

When asked where he lived and why he was naked, Lofton is alleged to have said that he was “Jesus Christ” and that the officer must be “God,” court papers say. [..]

The officer used his pepper spray on Lofton, at first to no avail. Then a cursing Lofton advised the officer that “‘Jesus’ is now blind,” court papers say. [..]

Lofton’s attorney, Terrence J. McGowan, said that the school district had scheduled a meeting to discuss Lofton’s future. Lofton taught in Central Dauphin High School.

“Basically, he had some mental health issues that hopefully are in remission. I don’t think it affects his ability to be a French teacher and it wasn’t school-related, so we’re hoping we can get him back to work,” McGowan said.’


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Saturday, December 24, 2005

 

Baby Jesus Butt Plug

baby Jesus butt plug‘When you woke up this morning you know that something was missin in your life. It wasn’t the new car, the new job, the boyfriend or the girlfriend.

But now you know: it’s the Baby Jesus Butt Plug.

Slap him on the dashboard. Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche.’


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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

 

Would You Like Some Jesus With Your Latte?

‘On 8th and 9th of October, Gloria Jean’s coffee houses around Australia are hosting a special event, Cappuccino for a Cause, to support the work of Mercy Ministries. When you buy a Cappuccino or Cappuccino Chiller over the event weekend, 50 cents from each sale will be donated to Mercy Ministries.

What is Mercy Ministries?

Mercy Australia runs a residential program for young women aged between 16 and 28 years with life controlling issues. These issues range from eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies, substance abuse, eating disorders, self harm, suicidal tendencies, depression and anxiety, and the effects of sexual and physical abuse. The average stay for a resident is approx 10 months, depending on each individual girl.

The program is very structured and is based on Christian principles. The residents have class time and bible study daily.’

Also with links to stories about how the father of Hillsong’s founder is a homosexual paedophile and how they engage in generally dodgy financial dealings.

[I think the photo caption “The Right Honourable Happy Clappy, MHR” at the latter link is hilarious. :)]


Sunday, September 11, 2005

 

The Little Bride

‘My goodness, Susy! We almost became Muslims! I want Jesus! [..]

Oh, those poor Muslims. They’ve been lied to.

Yes, because of Mohammed’s false teaching. We must pray for them.’


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Tuesday, February 8, 2005

 

Man Sells ‘Jesus’ Brick

`A North Carolina man is selling a brick that appears to feature the face of Jesus, according to Local 6 News report. [..]

Ditto Dalcher said he was sitting in his home and noticed the face above his fireplace. [..]

Dalcher noticed how much money people were making off of the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich and Jesus in a skillet and decided to share what he found, according to the report.

The bids on eBay were at $500 early Monday.’


Sunday, February 6, 2005

 

Jesus found in frying pan

‘A Texan family say they have found the image of Jesus in their frying pan.

Juan Pastrano, wife Mary-Lou and son Juan Jnr made the discovery when they went to wash up after a fry-up at their home in Prairie Lea.

Now they are keeping the pan in a sealed plastic bag while they decided what to do with it.’

Seriously, no one owns stupidpeoplestupidjesus.com yet. I could be on to a winner.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

 

Reward offered for ‘baby Jesus’

`The South Australian Brewing Company has offered six cases of beer to anyone who can produce Jesus.

The company today offered the reward after thieves made off with baby Jesus from its traditional nativity display earlier this week.

Brewery managing director Mark Powell said security footage showed a man scaling a fence and swiping baby Jesus from his manger along the banks of the River Torrens.’


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