moonbuggy

‘Crew members on a Sharon Stone movie were so annoyed by her behaviour that they urinated in a bathtub before she got in it to film a scene, a new book claims.’

‘This is a great prank done in the middle of a mall. People are asked to participate in a taste test and then quietly remove the table leaving them alone in the mall blindfolded.’

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`Kenneth Ray Brooks marched into Centura Bank and declared: “I’m holding down the joint,” police reports record. He then “stuffed a stack of bills into his waistband and pushed the money down out of view”, and quickly exited the scene tailed by a bank employee.

Sadly, Brooks didn’t get far before a dye-pack concealed in the loot exploded. Police spokeswoman Sgt. Barbara Jones explained: “Witnesses said they could see smoke coming out of his pants.” Officers attending the scene quickly identified the perp by “his discomfort and bright red dye on both hands”.

Brooks, identified by bank employees and CCTV footage of the blag, was taken to police headquarters for questioning and later “walked very slowly to a waiting ambulance with the help of police officers and firefighters”. He then enjoyed a trip to the local hospital “as a result of possible burning injuries to his person”.’

`For the first time, US President George W. Bush has confirmed the existence of secret CIA prisons around the world, defending the program as well as “tough” interrogation procedures. [..]

Human rights groups have branded the administration’s “tough” interrogation techniques as torture and European Union MPs claim the CIA has conducted covert flights around Europe to transport terror suspects to countries where they could face torture.

Mr Bush stressed that the US does not use torture, claiming “it’s against our laws and it’s against our values”. He would not detail the type of interrogation techniques that are used through the program, but said they were lawful.

“I can say the procedures were tough, and they were safe, and lawful, and necessary,” he said.’

`An angry mob fatally beat a man whom they mistakenly thought was involved in the disappearance of their friend, shortly before police arrested and charged another person in the crime, police said.

Union County Sheriff’s deputies found Tony Lorin Blakeney at his home with serious injuries Friday. He later died at a hospital.

Ten men, ages 16 to 30, were charged with murder in the attack. They were being held without bond until an October 4 court date.

“This is the worst beating attack I’ve ever seen,” Sheriff Eddie Cathey said.’

`Celebrity Paris Hilton has become the latest victim of “guerrilla artist” Banksy after he doctored hundreds of copies of her latest album and smuggled them into record shops.

The notoriously secretive artist has “reworked” the sleeve of Hilton’s debut album by superimposing a dog’s head on top of the svelte singer’s topless body.

The 500 tampered albums also come with a sticker on the cover, boasting that the album contains the hits: Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?

Inside the accompanying booklet, a picture of the heiress emerging from a luxury car has been retouched to include a group of homeless people.’

`A man has been given a deferred sentence by an Aberdeen sheriff after he admitted assaulting a woman by tipping a basin of vomit over her head.

James Russell, a 40-year-old father of three, said that he had been drinking heavily when the vomit incident occurred. [..]

Sentencing was deferred until next March to allow him to demonstrate good behaviour in the intervening period. Good behaviour, in this case, is thought to include not tipping basins of vomit over anybody else’s heads.’

`After walking the Great Wall of China and making plans for a trip to Russia, Shirley Greening-Jackson thought signing up for a new internet service would be a doddle.

But the young man behind the counter had other ideas. He said she was barred – because she was too old.

The 75-year-old would only be allowed to sign the forms for the Carphone Warehouse’s TalkTalk phone and broadband package if she was accompanied by a younger member of her family who could explain the small print to her.’

`Willis smeared his own feces across the top of the table where he and Swanum were sitting and also spread it on a chair. He threw some more on the carpeted floor before displaying even more bizarre behavior.

“He was literally smearing feces on his face and into his mouth,” Swanum said. “He was putting it into his mouth. That’s when he kind of advanced toward me. As I explained to one of my compatriots, that’s when I decided to redeploy to a more secure position.”‘

`The idea appeared in Technology Review citing Peter Norvig, director of research at Google, who says these ideas will show up eventually in real Google products – sooner rather than later.

The idea is to use the existing PC microphone to listen to whatever is heard in the background, be it music, your phone going off or the TV turned down. The PC then identifies it, using fingerprinting, and then shows you relevant content, whether that’s adverts or search results, or a chat room on the subject.

And, of course, we wouldn’t put it past Google to store that information away, along with the search terms it keeps that you’ve used, and the web pages you have visited, to help it create a personalised profile that feeds you just the right kind of adverts/content. [..]’

`It was an act of revenge on a squatter that most farmers can only dream of. Faced with a uninvited intruder moving onto his land complete with car and caravan, Alan Roberts decided to take matters into his own hands.

While the illegal tenant was still soundly asleep, Mr Roberts got into his yellow JCB forklift and prepared to teach him a lesson.

First, he picked up the man’s burgundy Vauxhall Cavalier from its spot on one of his fields and dumped it unceremoniously outside his land.

Then he returned to scoop up the white caravan, still housing the unsuspecting squatter.’

`The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the year. She gave her classes part of an old proverb and let them fill in the rest.

• Better be safe than…punch a 5th grader.
• Don’t bite the hand that…looks dirty.
• The pen is mightier than the…pigs.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…you have to blow your nose.
• If at first you don’t succeed…get new batteries.’

‘Watch this kid nearly fall 100s of feet our of his seat at an amusement park. His Mom hardly seemed to notice as the boy screamed for his life.’

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`A participant in the annual Sex Dolls Rafting Tournament near St Petersburg was disqualified in shame for “sexual abuse of apparatus”, Mosnews reports.

[..] According to Mosnews’s entertaining commentary, as “strong wind and flow snatched out resilient dolls from strong men’s hands”, only 40-year-old Igor Osipov was left to make the final climactic dash to the finish line. At this point, however, “the jury then noticed Osipov’s strange position and told him to moor. When he came out of the water, gazers saw signs of recent sexual activity on the swimmer’s doll.”‘

`A Fort Worth pastor has been indicted for allegedly raping a church member at his house last year under the guise of casting out demons. [..]

Police say Owens told the woman that a sex spirit and lesbian demon were inside her and needed to be cast out. He then asked her to lie on the floor and began yelling at her as though she were a demon, then held her down and raped her.

Owens denies having sex contact with the woman.’

`Passengers on a Canadian plane had an unsettling in-flight experience after the pilot found himself locked out of the cockpit after a trip to the toilet.

Instead of slipping back inside, the Air Canada Jazz pilot was seen banging on the door and talking to his first officer on an internal phone.

Crew members were forced to take the door off its hinges to let him back in.’

‘Ever wish you could make your friends and family switch away from Internet Explorer? Perhaps the ability to make it spontaneously crash (and I mean totally crash) just by sending them a link might sway them…’

If you’re using Internet Explorer, do not click this link. :)

`A military shell given to a group of children by a neighbor exploded while they played with it, killing two children and injuring five others, police and witnesses said.

Police were investigating the cause of Tuesday’s explosion, which damaged homes and forced neighbors to wrap bloodied and dazed children in blankets. [..]

Sendejo told The Bakersfield Californian that he thought the shell was spent and often used it as a “conversation piece.” He said the firing pin and bottom shell casing had been removed, along with the gun powder inside.

“I thought it was harmless,” he told the newspaper.’

`[..] In Baghdad these days, not even the hospitals are safe. In growing numbers, sick and wounded Sunnis have been abducted from public hospitals operated by Iraq’s Shiite-run Health Ministry and later killed, according to patients, families of victims, doctors and government officials.

As a result, more and more Iraqis are avoiding hospitals, making it even harder to preserve life in a city where death is seemingly everywhere. Gunshot victims are now being treated by nurses in makeshift emergency rooms set up in homes. Women giving birth are smuggled out of Baghdad and into clinics in safer provinces.’

`Sounds like its scream breaks the sound barrier.’

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`Jim Nelson, 49, a homeless man who had been living in a tent in the forest outside Whistler since 2002, admitted to doing all that but argued in North Vancouver Provincial Court that he was forced to commit the crime in order to save himself from dying of cold and hunger.

His defence of necessity was an argument rarely heard in Canadian courts.

Provincial Court Judge Douglas Moss finally acquitted him, although he found Nelson’s tale of how he came to be there — as the result of a quest to reach spiritual perfection through fasting — “bizarre, to say the least.”‘

A policeman manages to shoot himself in the leg with his tazer when he tries to put it back in the holster. Then he falls over.

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`The latest incident was Saturday morning in New Smyrna Beach. The victim told deputies she had fallen asleep at her home, on Katy Drive. When she woke up, the naked man was crouched behind the couch, tickling her foot.

The police report said when she screamed, the man dashed across the room with his hands over his private area, and ran away.’

`Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview today with what’s claimed to be a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture – more doodoo than Dada – is purportedly cast from 19-week-old Suri’s first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.’

`Chicago police had a wild afternoon Monday as they found themselves in a standoff with a spider monkey that had attacked a teenage girl.

The 14-year-old victim was in pretty bad shape, according to CBS affiliate WBBM-TV. Chicago police she was bitten to the bone, but what caused the animal to attack is unclear. [..]

“Monkeys are very smart animals. If you mess with them, they will mess with you,” Sgt. Ramos said.’

`To help him get through his grueling live performances, Mick Jagger has an oxygen tank backstage. At 63, the Rolling Stones lead singer struggles to keep his energy levels up for an entire two-hour performance, so when guitarist Keith Richards plays his two solo songs, Mick goes backstage and straps on an oxygen mask.

A source told Britain’s Daily Star newspaper, “It helps him get his breath back quicker, keeps the airways clear and gives him what he needs to get back out and step it up a gear for the second half of the show.”‘

`Evangelist preacher Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation he could repeat the biblical miracle.

But he drowned after walking out to sea from a beach in the capital Libreville in Gabon, west Africa.

One eyewitness said: “He told churchgoers he’d had a revelation that if he had enough faith, he could walk on water like Jesus.

“He took his congregation to the beach saying he would walk across the Komo estuary, which takes 20 minutes by boat.

“He walked into the water, which soon passed over his head and he never came back.”‘

Bunches of funny Craig’s List posts. Some good ones:

• The HORROR
• To the guy I gave a skull to
• Things I Have Done That I Really Should Have Been Sacked For By Now
• Anyone ever been caught…
• Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher!

When a panda sneezes it is apparently quite startling. :)

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