‘Lest anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high, let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. First, the potential girlfriend must be approximately my age–let’s say 21 plus or minus three or four years. Second, the girl must be beautiful (and I use that term all-encompassingly to refer to both inner and outer beauty). Third, she must also be reasonably intelligent–she doesn’t have to be Mensa material, but the ability to carry on a witty, insightful argument would be nice. So there they are–three simple demands, which I’m sure everyone will agree are anything but unreasonable.
That said, I now present my demonstration of why the probability of finding a suitable candidate fulfilling the three above-noted requirements is so small as to be practically impossible–in other words, why I will never have a girlfriend. I shall endeavour to make this proof as rigorous as the available data permits. And I should note, too, that there will be no statistical trickery involved here; I have cited all my sources and provided all relevant calculations in case anyone wishes to conduct their own independent review. Let’s now take a look at the figures.’
The odds don’t look good. :)
‘A 14-year-old girl was murdered by a takeaway owner who joked with friends that she had been chopped up and mixed in with the kebabs, a court has heard.
It is alleged that Charlene Downes was killed by Iyad Albattikhi, who owns a fast food shop on Blackpool Promenade.
Prosecutors said Charlene was one of a number of girls who had sex with men who worked in fast food shops on the promenade, including Mr Albattikhi. [..]
Police started a missing persons inquiry, but later launched a murder probe after being told she had been “killed and chopped up”, the jury heard.
No trace of Charlene’s body has been found.’
‘The ACT Chief Minister says Sydneysiders need to accept that Canberra will be the nation’s capital for as long as Australia exists.
Former prime minister Paul Keating sparked the debate by suggesting the harbour city should become the nation’s new capital.
Mr Keating says the Federal Government effectively operates from Sydney, with most Cabinet meetings held in the city.
“When Parliament is sitting everyone flies off to the bush capital and they all live in their motel rooms and then they all fly out again on Friday morning,” he said.
ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanhope says Sydneysiders need to accept reality.’
I wonder if this is faked?
(6.0meg avi)
see it here »
‘when you care enough to hit send’
‘Want a custom sex doll, but don’t have $7,000 to shell out? No problem. You can build one with off-the-shelf parts for a fraction of the cost. Is this the ideal love doll or Bride of Frankenstein? We’ll let you be the judge.’
Seems you start with a mannequin. :)
‘All hail the greatest b-movie of all time. Truly perfect in it’s pure awfulness. The pinnacle of bad movies by which exposure will burn out your retinas and make you curl up in the corner and beg for a swift demise.
“No acting skills required” must have been on the actors wanted sign for this cheesy 80’s karate movie. Olympic medalist Kurt Thomas stars as Jonathon Cabot, who stretches his acting muscle to plays …yes a champion gymnast. He is recruited to represent the United States in a deadly competition inside the borders of the country Parmistan (I like to sprinkle some Parmistan on my spaghetti..it’s delicious.)’
(3.1meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘An anti-drunk driving organization and a mother who lost a son to a drunk driver are livid after finding out a southwest Atlanta package store sells liquor and cups of ice through its drive-thru.
A store employee told Channel 2’s Tom Jones that it is an American right for people to buy liquor and a cup of ice to drink on their way home.
State regulations clearly show it is a state violation for package stores to sell anything but bags of ice. That means cups of ice are not allowed. An employee at one liquor store told Channel 2 that’s un-American.
“It’s the American way,” said employee Chris Melton.’
Two men climb up the pole to help someone who appears to be stuck. It goes badly.
(3.2meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘Being crazy is hard, but it’s worth the effort. Especially if you’re a cop, paramedic, or social worker who may someday need to deal with a person having a psychotic episode. At those times, empathy can be crucial.
That’s where Virtual Hallucinations comes in. The training device, created by Janssen L.P., is a rig with earphones and goggles that plunges the wearer into the mind of a serious schizophrenic. The system offers two interactive scenarios. In one, you’re riding a bus in which other riders appear and disappear, birds of prey claw at the windows, and voices hiss, “He’s taking you back to the FBI!” The other features a trip to the drugstore, where the pharmacist seems to be handing you poison instead of pills, and hostile customers stare at you in disgust.’
‘US scientists have developed “super-oxidised” water which they say speeds up wound healing. [..]
The key ingredient of the water, called Microcyn, are oxychlorine ions – electrically charged molecules which pierce the cell walls of free-living microbes.
The water can only kill cells it can completely surround so human cells are spared because they are tightly bound together in a matrix.
It is made by taking purified water and passing it through a semi-permeable sodium chloride membrane, which produces the oxychlorine ions.
One study showed that patients with advanced foot ulcers who were treated with the water, alongside an antibiotic had an average healing time of 43 days compared with 55 days in those who received standard treatment.’
Rplx XGjX UY ySf tl pmThis is a choose your own adventure type game.
Watch out for the manticore.
(1.4meg Shockwave)
‘A 31-year-old man was sentenced Monday to more than 24 years in federal prison for posing online as a teenage boy dying of leukemia in an effort to coerce young girls into sending him sexually explicit images.
Joshua Kistler chatted regularly with at least nine girls nationwide who ranged in age from 12 to 14. He used the condition to gain the girls’ sympathy, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.
He even sent them pictures of his stepson, an actual 15-year old, to further his story, authorities said.
He also posed as the stepfather of his online persona. In one case, a victim and her mother visited the “stepfather” during a family trip, believing the teenage boy was away receiving treatment.
Several victims said they loved and trusted Kistler, who asked them to send photos of them nude or perform sexual acts for him in front of Web cameras.’
eywoXdZLucky he didn’t get an arrow through his arm. Or his head. :)
(2.1meg Windows media)
see it here »
‘The computer hardware business has razor-thin margins which means making a profit is tough. So the opportunity for Dell to get a recurring revenue stream from an existing customer long after the sale of the computer is more than just enticing, it’s huge. It also means a couple other things:
1. Dell and Google have an incentive to make it very hard for users to turn this off.
2. Because users can’t get rid of it, Dell and Google can get away with putting more ads on the page and pushing user-relevant content off the page.
They’re now doing both of these things.‘
‘A 38-year-old man has had part of a finger bitten off in a bizarre suspected road rage incident in Adelaide.
Police say the man was driving in East Terrace, Black Forest, yesterday when he stopped to check on a trailer he was towing.
As he did, he exchanged words with a group of men standing on the side of the road.
“For unknown reasons the exchange developed further and blows were traded with one of the men from the group,” a police spokesman said.
“During the altercation the victim had the top of his left middle finger bitten off down to the first knuckle.”‘
‘It was just a little stun gun fun, but a police officer who demonstrated his Taser by zapping a willing subject in the genitals has drawn a warning from his bosses.
Officer Randy Reynolds ran into trouble when video of the incident last spring was posted on YouTube.com. The unidentified man wasn’t injured, and onlookers can be heard laughing in the background.
Interim Police Chief Larry Dickerson said Tuesday that Reynolds had been attending a social gathering, but was in uniform and on his way to work at the time. The man repeatedly asked Reynolds to use the weapon on him, and Reynolds eventually obliged – twice.’
‘A company boss lived a double life as a cross-dresser who flashed at terrified women, a jury heard yesterday.
By day Michael Willshire was the respectable managing director of an aluminium tubing firm.
But at night he donned stockings and suspenders, wigs, high heels and dresses beneath an overcoat and exposed himself to females, it was said.
Unwed Willshire, 47, allegedly terrorised the seaside town of Swanage, Dorset, for a two-year period. [..]
Willshire was allegedly caught when another victim’s dad saw him fleeing and pinned him against his Audi TT car.
Police arrested him and found him wearing suspenders and white jazz dance shoes, it was said.’
‘This guy gets a phone call from a debt collector and responds using a Judge Judy sound board.’
(33.9meg Windows media)
see it here »
‘An orangutan escaped from a Taiwanese zoo and terrified patrons at a nearby restaurant Wednesday, overturning picnic tables and motorbikes and forcing terrified diners to cower inside the eatery.
The orangutan, who pushed his way out of his cage before wandering into the restaurant, was subdued when an official shot him with a tranquilizer dart. He was carted off for treatment in the scoop of a small bulldozer.’
see it here »
‘A disabled gran was stabbed 97 times by her killer — for 32p in her piggy bank.
Frail Ann Alfanso, 61, was knifed in the head, body, hands and neck by drug-crazed John Mansfield.
Convicted robber Mansfield, 45, was high on heroin, morphine, cocaine and methadone when he used two knives and scissors to butcher his victim, who lived alone.
A court was told that one blade went right through one of Mrs Alfanso’s hands as she tried to protect herself. As he hunted for cash, Mansfield dragged her around her flat before raiding the piggy bank beside the phone and fleeing, leaving her for dead.’
‘Nine U.S. military ships entered the Gulf on Wednesday for a rare daylight assembly off Iran’s coast in what naval officials said was the largest such move since the 2003 Iraq war.
U.S. Navy officials said Iran had not been notified of plans to sail the vessels, which include two aircraft carriers, through the Straits of Hormuz, a narrow channel in international waters off Iran’s coast and a major artery for global oil shipments.
Most U.S. ships pass through the straits at night so as not to attract attention, and rarely move in such large numbers.
Navy officials said the decision to send a second aircraft carrier was made at the last minute, without giving a reason.’
‘An expert on grief and bereavement has said Big Brother housemate Emma should be informed of her father’s death, despite the deceased’s request not to tell her.
Her father Raymond Cornell, 53, died of cancer in Adelaide, and his funeral was held on Monday.
Emma’s boyfriend Tim Stanton told News Limited that Mr Cornell had asked that his daughter not be told of his death until she left the house.
Director of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, psychologist Chris Hall, this morning said Emma should be given the information about the death of her father, so she can make her own choice about the best way to deal with it.’
‘Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don’t make sense
Refrigerator’
‘Approximately 2,600 years ago– around 630 BCE– the Greek island of Thera was plagued by drought and overpopulation. According to legend, an assortment of settlers were selected to sail south to establish a colony in more hospitable climes. The men and women apprehensively put to sea, and the gaggle of enterprising Greeks eventually erected the city of Cyrene on Africa’s northern tip. There, the settlers encountered a local herb which would ultimately bring them and their progeny fantastic wealth.
The prized plant became such a key pillar of the Cyrenean economy that its likeness was stamped upon many of the city’s gold and silver coins. The images often depicted a regal-looking woman sitting in a chair, with one hand touching the herb and her other hand pointing at her genitals. The plant was known as silphium or laserwort, and its heart-shaped fruit brought the ancient world a highly sought-after freedom: the opportunity to enjoy sex with very little risk of pregnancy.’
‘When he retired in 1993 after more than 30 years as a disguise specialist for the Central Intelligence Agency, Robert Barron wasn’t ready to stop doing the work he loved. The Bluemont resident founded Custom Prosthetic Designs in Ashburn.
The one-man shop specializes in lifelike silicone prosthetics for people with birth defects or missing features. Barron has sculpted an ear for a 5-year-old born without one, a nose for a cancer survivor and fingers for a survivor of the Sept. 11, 2001, attack on the Pentagon.
If his work, shown in before-and-after photos on his Web site, appears startling in its verisimilitude, that’s because Barron worries the details, down to the hairs visible on an ear and the freckles on a nose. “It’s just like in the Agency,” he says. “I wouldn’t issue [agents] a disguise if their life would be in jeopardy” as the result of a less-than-perfect disguise.’
There’s a cool photo gallery also.
‘Here’s the thing, you have to get a license to drive a car but they let anyone be a parent. And, more pertinent to this conversation, they let anyone, may I repeat, ANYONE name their kid. So, while that might have some VERY unfortunate consequences for a few unlucky kids, it provides serious entertainment for those of us with parents who actually put some thought into naming us. With that in mind, here are 10 of the worst names ever. Seriously, these parents should be locked up… (and what the hell is wrong with Missouri?)’
Mike Huntsucker. :)
‘A nine-year-old German girl was so upset about having to tidy her room she put up a sign in her window urging passers-by to call police for help.
Pedestrians in the central city of Braunschweig saw the girl crying in the window, holding up a sign up saying “Help! Please call the police!” Next to her sat a small boy. Quickly alerted, officers rushed to the scene to discover the girl had argued with her mother about tidying her room and enlisted her two-year-old brother’s aid to attract attention.
“The room looked like a battlefield,” said a spokesman for local police on Monday. “Officers told the girl to tidy her room. When they came back two hours later to check, it was all cleaned up. And the mother and daughter had made up too.”‘
P c l‘The CIA has received secret presidential approval to mount a covert “black” operation to destabilize the Iranian government, current and former officials in the intelligence community tell the Blotter on ABCNews.com.
The sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the subject, say President Bush has signed a “nonlethal presidential finding” that puts into motion a CIA plan that reportedly includes a coordinated campaign of propaganda, disinformation and manipulation of Iran’s currency and international financial transactions.
“I can’t confirm or deny whether such a program exists or whether the president signed it, but it would be consistent with an overall American approach trying to find ways to put pressure on the regime,” said Bruce Riedel, a recently retired CIA senior official who dealt with Iran and other countries in the region.’
