And then there’s Maude!
Anything but tranquilizing..
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Anything but tranquilizing..
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‘German nursing homes are using a novel strategy to stop Alzheimer’s patients from wandering off: phantom bus stops.
The idea was first tried at Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, which pitched an exact replica of a standard stop outside, with one small difference: buses do not use it. [..]
“It sounds funny but it helps,” said Franz-Josef Goebel, the chairman of the “Old Lions” association.
“Our members are 84 years old on average. Their short-term memory hardly works, but the long-term memory is still active.
“They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home.”
The result is that errant patients now wait for their trip home at the bus stop, before quickly forgetting why they were there in the first place.
“We will approach them and say that the bus is coming later and invite them in for a coffee,” said Richard Neureither, Benrath’s director. “Five minutes later they have completely forgotten they wanted to leave.”‘
‘”His heart filled virtually his whole chest,” recalls Dr. Diane Meier describing her very first patient, an 89-year-old suffering from end-stage congestive heart failure.
It was the first day of Meier’s internship at a hospital in Portland Oregon, and after being assigned 23 patients, she was suddenly told that one of her patients, who had been in the Intensive Care Unit for months, was “coding.” She raced to the ICU where the resident told her to put in a “central line.”
“I didn’t know how,” Meier admits. “I felt overwhelmed and inadequate. Then, the patient died …
“Everyone just walked out of the room,” she remembers. I stood there. I still sometimes flash back on that scene: the patient, naked, lying on the table, strips of paper everywhere, the room empty. This was my patient. I felt I was supposed to do something — but I didn’t know what.”‘
‘In homes, apartments, and shanties throughout Buenos Aires, thousands of graying women joyfully pee into plastic containers at all hours of the day.
It isn’t exactly the picture postcard image that Argentina’s Secretariat of Tourism wants spread around the globe.
Gauchos, mountain peaks, tango, Patagonia, steak – now that’s the stuff of travel brochures.
Yet at any given moment, there are thousands more 65-year-old matrons holding a piece of Tupperware between sagging thighs – silently praying that their hand is steady and aim direct – than tight-assed 20-year-olds twirling the Tango.
Properly aged piss, it turns out, is one of Argentina’s least-known but most-valued exports.
The liquid gold from the ripe bladders of postmenopausal women has been helping “float” the Argentine economy by tens of millions of dollars a year for the last decade. Somewhere deep within the pungent molecules of senescent whiz – we’re clearly running out of original ways to say pee – is a high-value hormone used to combat infertility in younger women with ripe, but unwilling eggs.’
‘As an avid reader of your column, I thought of you and only you for help with this problem. My grandmother, 78 and widowed, is a kind, generous woman who has seen her share of difficult times. She is a bit offbeat, but extremely conservative and religious. After my grandfather passed on, she purchased a lively little parakeet and named him Pretty Baby. Pretty Baby has provided wonderful companionship and entertainment for my grandmother, even learning to speak to her. Pretty is an amazing mimic, repeating phrases she has taught him: “I love you,” “lock the door!”, “give me kisses,” etc.
The problem is the kissing… or what I recently witnessed the kissing leads to. One evening Pretty began to squawk “give me kisses, give me kisses” and my grandmother walked over to the cage and slipped one finger between the bars. Pretty Baby proceeded to “kiss” her fingernail and flutter about. She purred, “Give Grandma lovin’, Pretty Baby, give Grandma lovin’.” She then turned to me and said, “Pretty Baby wants to give me lovin’ and he won’t quiet down until he does.” Pretty Baby proceeded to screech more and more loudly, as he humped my grandmother’s finger wildly. She also moved it back and forth for him. I was stunned and unsure of what was happening so I sat quietly in my chair looking in the opposite direction, hoping I wasn’t really witnessing what I thought I was. My grandmother cleared it up quickly, saying, “He’ll calm down after he climaxes,” smiling away and continuing to repeat, “Give me your lovin’, Pretty Baby, that’s it….” When Pretty Baby was finished, she looked back at me and said, “I better wash my hands!” I left minutes later, unable to process what had just happened. Grandmother, however, never flinched, acting like it was an everyday occurrence.’
‘An 81-year-old man has used an intricate suicide machine to shoot himself remotely, after downloading the plans from the internet.
The Gold Coast man, who lived alone, left notes of his plans and thoughts as he struggled to come to terms with demands by interstate relatives that he move out his home and into care, the Gold Coast Bulletin reports.
He spent hours searching the internet for a way to kill himself, downloaded what he needed and then built a complex machine that would remotely fire a gun. [..]
The machine was attached to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets.
It was able to fire multiple shots into the man’s head after he activated it.’
‘British science fiction writer Sir Arthur C Clarke has died in his adopted home of Sri Lanka at the age of 90.
The Somerset-born author achieved his greatest fame in 1968 when his short story The Sentinel was turned into the film 2001: A Space Odyssey.
His visions of space travel and computing sparked the imagination of readers and scientists alike.
Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse paid tribute, hailing the writer as a “great visionary”.
Since 1995, the author had been largely confined to a wheelchair by post-polio syndrome.
He died at 0130 local time (2000 GMT) of respiratory complications and heart failure, according to his aide, Rohan De Silva.’
‘Police officers, secretaries and criminals were evacuated from a Russian police station after a granny walked in with a handbag filled with hand grenades.
Irene Fedorova, 67, walked into the station in the Orenburg Region in the Urals and said she wanted to take advantage of an arms amnesty.
She said she wanted to get rid of some old weapons that her late husband Boris had kept under their bed.
Officers who opened the bag found it contained several hand grenades including two that had faulty pins and could have gone off at any moment.
She said: “I read they were disposing of old weapons and thought it was a good idea. I bought them in on the bus in my handbag. I was sorry to have caused such a fuss – perhaps next time they should offer a collection service.”‘
‘A man has admitted trying to have sex with a goat – but believed he wouldn’t get caught because “animals couldn’t talk”.
New Zealand’s Rangiora District Court was told the pensioner, who managed to protect his identity, took the goat round the back of his farm and tried to commit a sex act with it.
The court was told that there were complications – and according to reports, “he did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off”.
A police spokeswoman said: “He was contrite, but said he was unable to stop the behaviour.”‘
‘Ailing leader Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba’s president from nearly a half-century early Tuesday, saying in a letter published in online official media that he would not accept a new term when the newly elected parliament meets on Sunday.
“I will not aspire nor accept–I repeat I will not aspire or accept, the post of President of the Council of State and Commander in Chief,” read a letter signed by Castro published quietly overnight without advance warning in the online edition of the Communist Party daily Granma. [..]
The 81-year-old Castro’s overnight announcement effectively ends his rule of almost 50 years over Cuba, positioning his 76-year-old brother Raul for permanent succession to the presidency.’
‘So we stop at Sacramento Street (just before the tunnel), and a whole group of people want to push on to the bus. Everybody at the stop manages to squeeze in when there is a bit of a commotion at the front.
An old Chinese lady (I am assuming she was Chinese) was holding in her hand a live chicken. She was holding it by the feet and, as a chicken in such a situation would do, this particular chicken was squawking up a storm.
The bus driver (a large African-American gentleman; this was back before a majority of the drivers became asian) was standing up, pointing at the squawking chicken, telling the lady, “Hey! You can’t come on the bus with a live chicken!”
Anyone who believes the Chinese people (or asian people) in San Francisco cannot understand english is completely naive. They understand. Oh yes they do. [..]’
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‘US Republican John McCain has threatened to get his 95-year-old mum on to actor Chuck Norris for saying he is too old to be president.
“I’m going to send my 95-year-old mother to just go over and wash Chuck Norris’ mouth out with soap,” Senator McCain said at a new conference.
The Arizona senator, 71, spoke when asked about a claim by Norris, a 67-year-old Hollywood action star who is campaigning for rival Mike Huckabee, that he is too old to handle the pressures of the White House. [..]
Senator McCain, a white-haired former fighter pilot, would be the oldest first-term president ever if elected.’
And he’s terrified.
Ach du Scheisse! 🙂
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‘When 80-year-old Thomas Ward, a former city councilman and retired Baltimore Circuit Court judge, heard someone hollering “Police! Police!” while he took a walk the other day near his home in Bolton Hill, he didn’t flinch.
Glancing across the street, Ward said, he saw a man trying to get out of a fenced yard behind a house on West Lafayette Avenue.
“I know the people in that house,” the judge said. “It wasn’t his.”
As the man – about 6 feet tall and burly, and much younger than Ward – began clambering over the 8-foot fence, Ward recalls running up to him and saying, “Come on, baby, you’re all mine.”‘
A series of photographs, recreating some of the most famous images from the last century.
Although, approximating might be a better word than recreating. 🙂
‘A 24-year-old New York City man remains jailed after he was found allegedly having sex with a 92-year-old woman’s corpse inside the morgue of the hospital where he worked.
Anthony Merino, who works as a lab technician at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, N.J., was arrested Sunday after police responded to a call from a security guard at the hospital. The guard reported witnessing the lab technician sexually desecrating the woman’s dead body, according to police.
“This is a first,” Lt. Dean Kazinci, spokesman for the Teaneck, N.J., police, told ABC News. “When you think you’ve heard and seen it all, something like this happens.”‘
‘An 82-year-old Argentine woman who attracted media attention last month when she married a 24-year-old man has died as a result of heart problems.
Adelfa Volpes was admitted to hospital soon after she and her new husband, Reinaldo Waveqche, returned from their honeymoon in Brazil.
She died in a sanatorium in Santa Fe, the city where the couple were married.’
Followup to Man, 24, weds 82-year-old bride.
‘A 24-year-old Argentine man has married a woman 58 years his senior.
The groom, Reinaldo Waveqche, told reporters after the ceremony in Santa Fe, northern Argentina: “I’ve always liked mature ladies.”
Mr Waveqche added: “I don’t care what other people say.” He and bride Adelfa Volpes, 82, are planning to travel to Rio de Janeiro for their honeymoon.
Asked if the marriage was purely spiritual, Ms Volpes laughed and replied: “There is going to be more.”‘
‘Some little old man gets frustrated with some guy smoking next to him so he gets up to walk away and as he passes the big guy he lands a hard nut shot with his cane dropping the dude to the ground.’
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‘Supermarket staff refused to sell alcohol to a white-haired 72-year-old man – because he would not confirm he was over 21.
Check-out staff at Morrisons in West Kirby, Wirral, demanded Tony Ralls prove he was old enough to buy his two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.
Mr Ralls asked to see the manager who put the wine back on the shelf.
The grandfather-of-three said he had refused to confirm he was over 21 as it was a “stupid question.”
Mr Ralls, a retired insurance firm regional manager, said he expected the store manager to resolve the situation but he was disappointed.
“I felt like saying ‘What do I look like? Are you a fool?”
‘Ernie Vesie says he needs his weed. He and his wife Roni have a legal prescription to use the medicinal marijuana. Ernie suffered a painful stroke, and Roni is recovering from major stomach surgery. The two say it eases their pain.
The Vessies grow the marijuana in their south Sacramento backyard. During happier times, a bumper crop blossomed and it was something Ernie’s became proud of. But, after three armed suspects forced their way into their home, the plants are now gone.
“He told me if I opened my mouth, he’d put a bullet in my head,” said Ernie.
It is the second time they’ve been robbed and it is believed to be the same three suspects. [..]
There is not much left of Ernie and Roni’s stash, so they’re smoking what they can.
“Breaks my heart they took all the good stuff,” said Ernie.’
‘Police started a missing person alert for a great-grandmother – only for her to turn up 12 hours later having been locked in a public loo overnight.
Gwyneth Coles, 77, of Pickering, North Yorkshire, got locked in the town’s toilets after nipping in following a bus journey on Monday evening.
Although an attendant locking up shouted to check the building was empty, he failed to hear her answer.
Flushed council officials apologised and sent Mrs Coles a bunch of flowers.’
‘Mrs. A. R is an active 76 year-old grandmother who lived on her own for several years. She had an uncomfortable vaginal lump for several years. Occasionally, this required reduction by her late family physician. The patient did not visit a physician after the death of her family doctor ten years earlier. She felt that prolapse is a woman’s lot and nothing could be done about it.
This patient was brought to the emergency room with a history of vaginal bleeding. Examination showed that the uterus was totally outside the vulva (prosidentia), atrophic and ulcerated vaginal mucosa and inflamed cervix. The bladder and rectum were also prolapsed with the uterus and the patient was unable to empty her bladder. X-rays of the kidneys, ureters and bladder with contrast (IVP) suggested chronic inflammation of the bladder.’
.. ‘the uterus was totally outside the vulva’ .. Do I need to stick a warning here? Don’t blame me if you don’t like what you see after you click. 🙂
‘It was a frightening scene Friday night as hundreds of people at a high school football game ran for their lives when a man crashed his van through the fence and into the field goal post. [..]
The tire tracks show the exact path and Stanley Police are trying to figure out why 82-year-old Palmer Kroeplin of Stanley crashed into the goal post. [..]
Weiland says Kroeplin claims to have blacked out and does not remember the incident, but one witness was thinking otherwise. [..]
Witness accounts given to police and home video show the Dodge minivan hit the fence the first time, went in reverse, hit the ambulance, quickly went into drive, squealed the tires and smashed through the chain linked fence before hitting the goal post.’
‘At 76, Doris Anderson has astounded her doctor by surviving nearly two weeks in the thick woods of Eastern Oregon.
Lost on a hunting trip, she was lightly clothed and had no supplies or survival gear as temperatures dropped into the 30s and rescue teams dwindled.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said her emergency room doctor, Steve DeLashmutt. “For being out in the mountains for a couple of weeks she was in pretty good shape, amazingly good shape.”
Anderson was extremely dehydrated, cold and incoherent when she arrived at St. Elizabeth Health Services in Baker City after two law enforcement officers working on their day off found her. [..]
“I would say for her peer group that she did remarkably well,” DeLashmutt said. “Other 76-year-old folks, two weeks in the mountains they wouldn’t have survived.”‘
‘When British couple David and Jean Davidson checked into a modest hotel room, the prospect of not having to cook or clean for themselves was so appealing, they decided to stay – for 22 years.
The pair first stayed at a roadside Travelodge in 1985 while visiting an elderly aunt who was ill in Staffordshire, England.
When the aunt died four months later, the Davidsons moved out of their flat in Sheffield and moved into the Travelodge in Newark, Nottinghamshire.
In 1997, they made their home in another of the chain’s hotels in Grantham, Lincolnshire, where they are still living.
Mr Davidson, 79, said the hotel’s staff were “like family now”.’
‘A grandmother taking a leisurely swim in a Swedish river ended up in the hospital after a beaver attacked her with its tail, regional newspaper Nerikes Allehanda reported Wednesday.
Police sources said it was the second time a beaver had attacked humans at the beach on the banks of the Bottenaa River, around 150 kilometres (93 miles) west of Stockholm, the newspaper reported.
“The beaver attacked the grandmother. She was seriously hit by the animal’s tail and received a number of bites and scratches,” an officer told the newspaper.
The authorities have decided to kill the dozen or so beavers living near the beach to eliminate any further risk to local bathers.’
‘He’s 105 years old and could soon be looking for a place to live.
The Fredericksburg man has out lived his money and just can’t afford his home anymore.
But friends and workers at his assisted living facility are stepping up to help — including starting a fundraising Web site. [..]
Watching Haubner, you’d never guess his age.
He exercises 45 minutes every day. The former lumberyard worker and Army veteran likes to show off his muscles. [..]
Haubner lived by himself up to just three years ago, when he hurt himself riding a bicycle at age 102.’
‘Authorities Wednesday continued to investigate the apparent murder-suicide of a couple discovered Monday in their Cutler Avenue home in Ocean Acres.
Susan M. Tomkinson, 76, had been killed with a gas cartridge-powered nail gun with wounds to her head and chest, authorities said. She was found in her home with her husband of 55 years, James B. Tomkinson, who apparently killed her and also wounded himself in the head and chest with a nail gun, authorities said in a prepared statement.’